The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe!
Me: Bless you
Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
My grandma and computers
So my grandma just found out how to read updates and it said updated in the backround and said i always see that but i dont see them in thr backround
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center…
You've seen the mall!
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days
It will be a sadder day
Ringing the doorbell….
…don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
What is 6.9?
Another great thing ruined by a period.
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide…
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert
He comes from a LAN down under
I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
I’m having a small get together for Tom Hiddleston’s birthday
It’s a Loki event.
Arranged marriage
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them. His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?” He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.” Friend: “Okay, that’s weird…But what happened when you met them after a week?” He says: “First girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.” “Second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.” “Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.” Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??” The guy said “I am marrying the one with the biggest boobs”.
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
