The good ol’ days
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
It’s called a stain because it’s stay’n.
No text found
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
What did the pirate say on his 80th bday
AYE MATEY
Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers.
Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
Why can’t the USA tell knock knock jokes?
Because freedom rings
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars…
Judge: First offender? Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.
I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron". I looked around and didn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So I put my other club away, and grabbed a 9-iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked! So I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "Ribbit. 3-wood," the frog replied. I took out my 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. It was incredible. By the end of the day, I had golfed the best game of golf in my life. So I asked the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." We went to Las Vegas, went to Caesar's Palace and the frog said, "Ribbit. Roulette." When I got to the roulette table, the frog said, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this was a million-to-one shot to win, but by this point I trusted the frog completely. I put it all on black 6 and, amazingly, won! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table. Suddenly I was a high roller. They put me up in the best room in the hotel. I looked at the frog down and said, "Frog, you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful. I don't know how to repay you!" The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." So I thought, "Why not? After all the frog did for me, it is a small price to pay." With the kiss, however, the frog turned into a gorgeous 17 year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old…
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?” “It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!” “I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?” Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!”
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
Don’t spell part backwards
It’s a trap
