the good old days!
Too many Cheetahs
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Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
It was two tired
post our home made sex tape on PornHub, saying she couldn’t stand the thought of all those strangers masturbating over it. So I put it on Facebook instead.
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt. The American can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, “dude, what the hell is it with you? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about shit on you.” The Chinese man is very taken back and says, “Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these American customs.” “What do you mean? Those aren’t American customs.” “Yes they are,” Chinese replied. “Man at travel agent tell me to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.”
They will kill your dog
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office… But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'… The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi." "Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side." God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber." God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side." God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you –" The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."
Religion brought them together.
This is as close as I could get.
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Then I know it will never come for me
He's been made the CIEIO
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."
It's the first time they'll see 2020
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton
Because they’re good buoys
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
…I told him he didn't understand… we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
is it parishable?
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
Because then it'd be a foot!
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.