The Grandfather’s Paradox
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I’m coming
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
A fisherman walks into r/jokes…
A fisherman walks into r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…
…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.” “Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.” “It is,” I said. “No, it isn’t,” she said. “You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fcuking chessboard up your ass.”
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
“That’s what.” – She
No text found
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
Trump would gladly sacrifice thousands of innocent Americans for economic gain.
https://ift.tt/2xNZYGr
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face…
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: ‘You’ll never guess with how many women I’ve slept!’
'Mmm?' 'Not that many!'
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
When you develop a browser extension that is not scalable enough to handle 1,400 tabs!
https://ift.tt/33SC4VL
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around…
129 bugs in the code.
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
Two women were playing golf
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid…
Man she really wanted a daughter.
Co-worker got a new drill and another co-worker responded, “Oh man, he’s got a gun!”
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide