The great explorer
Provided by my own mother (I left the page in on purpose, I feel like it sells it)
https://ift.tt/2VPRgkJ
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.” “You miss me that much?” she asks. “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.
Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
We all know where the big apple is.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years. “Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there? “What, are you lying?” “Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son” Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level. “Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?” Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there. “That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!” Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
Why some of us might drink…..
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?" Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… " ME!."
What did the mamma llama say to the baby llama said he was out of lunch money?
"Alpaca lunch for you”
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
My prepositions teacher died.
Rest on peace.
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
“Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
