The great leveller
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window…..
Little did I know the window was rolled down… at least it stopped crying
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
Totally nailed it.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
What is the root of all evil?
25.8069758011
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!
Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I was going to share a joke about planes.
But I do not think it will take off.
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me…
I was like: What the Hellman
Why did the twin elephants have to leave the beach?
They only had a pair of trunks!
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,… "United Airlines".
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away its broom.
Irishman and the Priest
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. ''Father'', he confessed, ''it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'' The priest told the sinner, ''You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ''Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'' This time, the priest questioned, ''Who is this Nookie Green?'' ''A new woman in the neighborhood,'' the sinner replied. ''Very well,'' sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ''Is that Nookie Green?'' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ''No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."
What’s the difference between a sentence and a cat?
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
Knock knock
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
Me: Here’s some good news. My wife is pregnant!
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
The Avatar should come back to us when he gets old.
Like a good boomer Aang.
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
nothing tops a plain hotdog
No text found
I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life
I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting one etc and I'm like "Yeah, it's pretty good." trying to play it cool because I don't wanna give away that there's no way I could even afford one if I wanted to. But then after a while, his comments start becoming personal, first complimenting my shoes and calling me a 'strapping young lad'. Now I'm quite weirded out but figure he's just new at sales and really bad at it. But then I realised he's not a staff member, that he doesn't work there. So now I'm fully freaked out, this guy just came up to me and all up in my personal space, so I try to ignore him (but not trying to be subtle about it). I turn away, and get this, he sort of grabs my arm to turn me back and gives it a little squeeze and says something along the lines of "Ooh, you been hitting the gym yeah?". I turn to look at him and say "Excuse me, do not touch me" and quickly leave. This guy catches up to me all apologetic, saying how sorry he is and he didn't realise he was annoying me and that. And as I'm about to say "Yeah okay fine whatever", he says "Listen, here's the thing. If you give me a blowjob, I will give you this new iPhone XS" and pulls out this new iPhone, box fresh. I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought I'd misheard him, so had to clarify and said "What? You want me to suck you off for a phone? Really?!" And he smiled and nodded. Some people are fucking disgusting. Makes me sick. Sent from my iPhone.
A man walks in through the front door after work
and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing. "Woah woah woah…what gives?!?" the man says. The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up. "I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocket!" his wife exclaims. She presents a small slip of paper with a woman's name and some digits on it. "That?!? Honey it's the name of a horse I'm betting on this weekend! Come on!!" Defeated, she apologizes and retreats back to the den. The next day the man gets home from work, and low and behold she lunges at him again as he walks through the door, smacking him left and right even more violently than the day before, shouting obscenities he didn't even know she was capable of. "Jesus what did I do this time?!?" the man bellows with his arms guarding his face. "The HORSE called!"
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"