THE GREATEST COMMENT😂😂😭😭
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.
He said, “It must be drawn to scale.”
Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
Tinder is the opposite of porn ads….
There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on… "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
A monk joins a monastery…
…and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words Monk: “bed hard” Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes” Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father Monk: “food bad” Father: “okay, I’ll made some changes” After a third decade, the monk sees the father again Monk: “I quit” Father: “good, because all you’ve done is bitch since you got here”
Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone
Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
Do you want to hear a mean joke?
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left. The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
I got bored watching the earth turn…
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
I ordered a vault and a speaker off amazon
They arrived safe and sound
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
Imagine having a president that doesn’t understand how the First Amendment works
https://ift.tt/2yEEfRR
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime