The greatest thing ever
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
My friend keeps saying, “If I wasn’t making drinks, I would be in jail.”
Currently he’s behind bars .
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
I saw an advert that read “Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full”
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
I once walked in on my teachers having sex
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
What did the pirate say on his 80th bday
AYE MATEY
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?
I don't know but Alaska.
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we are having for dinner tonight
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?
Inmate: It’s bec.. Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had reptile dysfunction
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
A magician worked on a cruise ship…
….the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot… They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….."Alright, good one but i can't take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???"
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
My wife didn’t think I would name our baby daughter something ridiculous.
But I called her Bluff.
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
I know he means well. (Since my last well-joke did well (pun intended) I thought this would be a nice follow-up)
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
If you’re questioning your sexuality…
You probably aren't thinking straight.
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards