The grocery stores still have plenty of vegan food left
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
I used to think i was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
No text found
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
No text found
Holocaust survivor dies
He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes. God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.” The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”
If you pronounce “fuck off” backwards.
you say it in a British accent.
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.
He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play. One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus. The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down. Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down. The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.” The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing” The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
My friend wouldn’t stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
Science gave us skyscrapers and airplanes…
Religion brought them together
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he’s right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.
"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!" And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way. Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the back and saw the whole thing. He doesn't want any trouble, so he calls up a couple of friends, and together they take the big crucifix down and hide it. As an afterthought, the priest leaves a small desk crucifix in its place. Sure enough, the drunk man comes back with his shotgun. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the tiny crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right in front of it, he leans over real close and says, "Hey, kid, where's yer dad at?"