The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
A stroke of genius.
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
But then it grew on me
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
He was afraid of capitalism!
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
Lay hee hoo
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
In Google Docs.
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
Can February March? No, but April May.
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber…
Now, it won't crash, it'll just go, "Boeing Boeing Boeing!"
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
I was shocked
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
It's a coming of age story.
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
She turned on the front camera