The Hindenburg
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
That’s a hard catch! If it’s windy it’s a challenge…..but it was the thought which counts, lol
That’s a hard catch! If it’s windy it’s a challenge…..but it was the thought which counts, lol
An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show
The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box. He then says”Can you see me now?” And they answer: “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja”
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
can you do it on the end?
can you do it on the end?
I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.
I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count…
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said: "Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample." The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained: "You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbor for help?!" "Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
Might be the first meme my dad has ever sent me, a tried and true boomerhumor staple
https://ift.tt/2XTcKOB
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
Want to know where I store all of my jokes?
In a dadabase….
You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "Yep," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" “At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ……. "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet. The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?" "Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time." "But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks. "Well, then I just call them by their last names."
I entered 10 jokes in a pun contest hoping at least one would win.
No pun in ten did.
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
I once met a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds funny. Dozen tit.
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead