The image quality really hit it home for me.
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
I tried to catch some fog
I mist
What did the little mermaid wear to math class
An algae- bra
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
https://ift.tt/3ac8Pj8
As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field…
But hay, it's in my jeans.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down
My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it Edit: platinum 2 mins after posting. Thank you! Edit 2: It’s raining platinum, hallelujah! Thank you everyone!
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
