The image quality really hit it home for me.
Game of Thrones Spoiler
Game of Thrones
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny!
Judge: Stuck in a penny? Lawyer: Yes, he’s in a cent!
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.” Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.
He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself. The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door. "Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" "You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
Gay jokes aren’t funny.
Cum on guys.
Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..
He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.
Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
Our baby boy was actually born on the way to the hospital.
His name is Carson.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
My friend told me he was using sodium hydroxide to clean his pillows
What a weird thing to lye about
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.
I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn’t be a musician.
But did he listen?
A teacher told the students, “The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early.”
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early." Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face. "Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily. "Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"