The Instagram caption said “I’m literally in tears lmfaoooo”
My friend bet me £100 that I couldn’t bulid a car from spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
A prosthetics company was going out of business.
It was on its last legs.
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
My dad showed me his new Mount Everest replica today
I said "Wow! To scale?" He said "No, just to look at"
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…
“Oh yeah? Then you’re the King of nothing!”
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating…..
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
My wife thought I wouldn’t be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"