The invention that truly swept the nation
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck.
No text found
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along…
So sick of double standards these days.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
Here’s a joke about my browser history:
[deleted]
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
“Hello I’d like to register for mime classes”
"Ah, say no more"
My daughter asked me what the opposite of isolate is.
I told her yousoearly
Why’s there no original content on this site anymore?
because everyone's already Redd-it
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
An Irishmen walks into NASA and says
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
When you try to fix a minor bug and expose a fundamental flaw in the core design
https://ift.tt/2Q9AxGf
The first Karen to get covid was….
Impatient zero.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire among them.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
Sony, Panasonic, Toshiba.
They're all stereo types.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
He pasta way.
Angela Merkel is taking a holiday in Poland.
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons" "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"