The joke is old as fuck
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
Why is leather great for sneaking around?
Because it's made of hide!
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
https://ift.tt/3c4cxwa
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you? "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please." "Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I don’t even touch it
A burglar stole all of my lamps.
I should be upset, but actually I’m delighted!
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
3 men die and go to heaven
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
I really like books with female protagonists.
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.
