The joke’s lit fam.
It’s a known fact that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
“Knock Knock”
Who's there? "Yah" Yah who? ".com"
I got caught masturbating with a pickle.
I was Gherkin off
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
One day a guy dies…
…and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil. Devil: Why are you so sad? Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay — you're already dead. Guy: Golly! Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean…? Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die — you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place! Devil: You gay? Guy: No. Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays
Tetris is a good game
In fact, you could even say it was a blockbuster
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
If Iron Man was a woman…
Would we call her Fe-Male?
Kid: I’m going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say “Hi Frank, I’m Dad!” I’m gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship…
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
Joke
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
When the documentation you are reading refers you to the documentation of another library
https://ift.tt/3cbyDNI
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
That’s a nice ham you got there…
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take