Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
No text found
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
A new leaked photo from Nasa reveals an actual photo of Australia taken from the ISS.
https://ift.tt/3361wXD
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock. That's a humerus joke.
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club is.
No text found
This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her
“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?
Terminal Illness
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
Donald J. Trump walks into a bar…
and lowers it
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It’s all about raisin awareness
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
What do you call calculators with knives attached?
Texas Instruments of Torture.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "How the hell did you do that ?"
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
I was at the zoo, and saw a baguette in a cage.
The Zookeeper said he was bread in captivity.