The key to staying warm is lots of layers
Know why the shoe was drunk?
Too much socky.
As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
A prosthetics company was going out of business.
It was on its last legs.
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
It’s always awkward
It’s always awkward
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
A guy tries to walk into a bar
The bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!" Edit: this joke is a tribute to u/rogersimon10. What a legend he was.
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
I love dry erase boards.
They're remarkable.
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
Why didnt 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…"
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
I don’t get the purpose of an air filter
It just sits there and collects dust.
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
https://ift.tt/3bfP76d
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
One morning at a doctor’s clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him: "Tell me what happened to your back…?" The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy… That is how I strained my back.!" Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad.. But you look terrible.. What the hell happened to you ?" He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job… I forgot to set my alarm and I was late… I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time. And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge. I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me…!!!" Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??" The patient replies: "Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge………."
I bought a car that can only be driven when the leaves are brown…
It's an autumn mobile.
Why Are Murders So Hard To Solve In The U.S. Deep South?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records…
Funny how things are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still have jobs