The kid who lied about having sex with me in high school posts this stuff on Facebook constantly… feels like justice.
Does my wife think I’m a control freak?
I haven’t decided yet…
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Cause they’re dead
A book falls on Sean Connery’s head
"Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
A dollar !
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to one of his customers, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters from the barber instead of the dollar bill?” The boy replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game will be over!” 😛 😀
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Where do man-splainers get their water?
From a well, actually
My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry
He has selfie steam problems.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71
My wife to our son, “Go brush your teeth with your sister”
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
My ex-girlfriend’s father, a 6’4″ retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!" "Sir?" I asked. "When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical…" "Yes, sir" "But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!" "Yes, sir" "And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!" "Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one." The nurse tells my I may be transferred from the ICU next Wednesday.
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
No text found
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face…
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
Farmer Joe’s bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again…
Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes …
But I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey "
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
