The kind of pun would stop me! Appreciate the trees, they are important living beings.
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
My dad was showing me how to use a bow
He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery."
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
Two whales are in the ocean, and one whale says to the other:
OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo…OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo…OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo…OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo… To which the other replied: Shut up, Frank. You're drunk.
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
Without women sex would be
a pain in the ass
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
In my career as a lumberjack I cut exactly 58,274 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
It’s like shooting fish in apparel…
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre. I did him a favour and punctured it.
Now he's living in a flat
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
Never tell a secret in a cornfield
There are too many ears
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
No potatoes.