The kind of pun would stop me! Appreciate the trees, they are important living beings.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.
But, Plan e just might take off
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
My GF said she hates my sense of direction.
So I packed my stuff and right.
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
No text found
My car really whips the llama’s ass! (excuse the dirt, it rained a bit this morning)
https://ift.tt/2SdIw5C
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me “small penis no problem, small penis no problem”
I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
Puns make me numb….
But math puns make me number.
I dunno if someone has found this before but I found it at a place im cleaning today
https://ift.tt/30ErCzz
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle
It was an ether/oar situation
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
No text found
Boss told me as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture…..
But when I got home, the tables were turned
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?
They have no Seoul .
National Dad Conference
Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it” Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad” Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
How do your pets stop the show you’re watching?
They use paws!
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah I don't think it'll be funny if I'll have to explain it five times'.