The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?
One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Don’t read Part A backwards.
It’s a trap!
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump
I said: “Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.

I’m glad there are still some people that take cross browser compatibility seriously
https://ift.tt/2XmlYk4
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
What weighs less than blue ?
Light blue
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He's disqualified.
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

Child safety bad. (Image shared is pic of computer screen for extra boomer-ness)
https://ift.tt/2E4gstA
Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
What’s funnier than the plague?
This week? Just about anything.
An Irish Skydiver
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' " Mick asks: "Did you jump?" Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."

Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.

The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.

Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like?”
I said, “Remains to be seen.”
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!

Shrödinger’s Homo Thought Experiment
I would like to take this time to discuss the thought experiment of Schrödinger’s Homo. You all have probably heard of Schrödinger’s Cat, as well as people saying “no homo” after a seemingly homosexual type of interaction. I believe there is a problem in this philosophy. If you do not think, or say anything that implies the existence of there being homo, then therefore, we do not know if there is homo in the situation. However, by saying “no homo”, you immediately imply the possible existence of homo in the situation, and therefore, there is homo and you have ruined the entire situation. Therefore by saying “no homo” it does actually mean that it is homo.