The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
Why haven’t aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and…………………….tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
No text found
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
I named my eraser Confidence
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
Today I bumped into the guy who had sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
I broke my finger at work today…
On the other hand, everything is OK
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested….
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didn’t realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
The gynecologist who became a mechanic!
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
Don’t spell part backwards
It’s a trap
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
My son didn’t cope well with going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Son, have a vodka with me!
No, thanks, dad. Come, have a drink with your father! Dad, I'm 5. – Dad is shitfaced but he insists: Ok, just one shot. The kid drinks it and start crying: Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing! Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun! (Russian joke)
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
2 reasons I don’t give money to homeless people:
They would spend it on alcohol. I want to spend it on alcohol.