The legal way
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
A German got pulled over by the Police in France.
Police Officer: Name? German: Heinrich Klimt Police officer: Age? German: 32 Police Officer: Occupation? German: No, no. Just visiting.
A child asks his father what “gay” means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
There once was a woman who had 100 children….
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
My girlfriend just admitted she was having an affair with our teacher.
I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.
“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
When a short person waves at you….
Its called a microwave
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
I found an origami porn channel.
But it's paper view only.
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
R.I.P. boiled water… you will be mist
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