The look on his face tho
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.
3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on. The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on. Third said "You ever been fucked?" He said "No" as his eyes lit up… she said "You will be when the tide comes in."
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
A Chinese Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.’
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
What is the abbreviation for “we have a thing”
No text found
I like telling Dad jokes
Sometimes, he laughs!
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
If you ever feel your job is meaningless…
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
![Funnyandsad [oc]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/7uz6q1ylknq41-400x655.jpg)
A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?
Because it keeps Dublin.
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.
Imagine all the people
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them…
Says he has always been able to count on them.
Flummoxed, I asked my wife, “Honey, the kids don’t want to eat their vegetables. What do you want me to do?” She shouted back from the other room, “That’s fine. Just throw them out, dear!”
Later, I told them, "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!" as I helped them pack their suitcases…
2 blonds are in heaven….
One asked the other: "how did you die?" "I froze to death" said the second blond "That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death. It's sort of calming. How did you die? " "Well, " says the first blonde, " I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me. I came home unexpectedly and went upstairs to find him on the bed naked. I checked the basement, but no one was there. I ran up to the second floor and checked every room, but no one was there. I ran all the way to the attic, but I had a massive heart attack and I died." "Wow, " says the second blonde, "If you checked the freezer we would both be alive."
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?
No son. I got shot in the leggy
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend
Best trade i ever made.
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn…
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.
Most things escape baby goats.
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
I once played the triangle in a reggae band but I left
It was just one ting after another
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
A person asked me, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?”
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
I’m glad I’m good at making musical puns
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
