The magic word.
What’s angry, calm and white?
My bi-polar bear.
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
Me: Hey, can you help me with a crossword clue? I’m stuck.
Her: Sure, what is it? Me: “Overworked postmen.” Her: But how many letters? Me: Too many.
Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.
LPT: When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you say the entire joke.
Because it isn’t easy to tell them a part.
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.
So i took down his confederate flag.
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
The power went out in my house today.
I was delighted.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads “GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her
“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
I tell my wife I’m close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..
I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
I’m having a small get together for Tom Hiddleston’s birthday
It’s a Loki event.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
Little known fact-
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said they’re wiped out
I don’t hate bread
I loaf it 🍞
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”?
Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."
Girls With Big Tits.
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.
What is the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
