The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?
Me: Leave that to me later at dinner Her dad: coughs I need water Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
Sex is like a poorly explained joke.
I don't get it.
I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
A blind man enter a bar…
and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind man replies “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverland's.
[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
Did you know that Terry Crews once had a heckler that mysteriously dropped dead?
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ….the worst case scenario.
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
https://ift.tt/2MoevNG
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar…
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face. "Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man. "That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man. "But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man. "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man. So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man. "Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man. "It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man. "What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man. "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
How can you tell an ant’s gender?
Simple, put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.