It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died” The man looked at Saint Peter and said “Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died. “Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!” Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him: “Tell me about the day you died” “Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this…I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator…”
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
He nuts and bolts.
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
In little knotsies
Surprise, it was an apple, but with very little memory. Just one byte. Then everything crashed.
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Because they always have a hunch.
It runs in your jeans.
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
She hates my mandates.
Because he was in the middle of 9/11
He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session. He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck. "If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass." The fat guy starts to chase the woman around the court. Unfortunately for him, the woman is too athletic and he cannot catch up to her. After an exhausting hour, he finally gives up. He heads home and discovers that he has lost 5 pounds. The next day, the fat guy decides to try again. This time, instead of one woman in the basketball court, it is 2 naked women. They both have to same sign around their necks. "if you catch us, you can fuck us in the ass." The fat guy again chases them around for 1 hour without success. At least he has lost another 5 pounds of weight. Seeing how effective the sessions are, the fat guy decides to book a premium session. The next day, he is taken to the basketball court again. This time, there are no women. Instead, there are 10 naked men with signs around their necks. "If we catch you, we get to fuck you in the ass."
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX – After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then. . .” he sighed, . . .“let’s put all of these Frosted Flakes back into the box.”
finally it dawned on me.
When it's full groan.
How mean is that ?
After half a minute they all went home.
Because she couldn't see that well.
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
He won the no bell prize
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.