Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.
They are already experts at recycling.
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
The Government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns…
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”
A stutterer’s wife was getting annoyed of his stutter…
So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said: "Pull down your pants." "W-why?" "Just do it." "O-ok." "There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do a surgery to take a bit of your penis of if you want to talk normaly." "O-ok t-then." After the surgery he gets home and says: "Hello honey, what is the dinner?" "Wow you can speak normally!" "Yes just had to take of a bit of my penis." "WHAT? GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM TO REVERT YHE SURGERY!" At the hospital the man speaks to the doctor: "My wife wants you to revert the surgery." "T-that w-will n-not b-be p-possible."
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza…
They knead the dough.
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Prostitute rates…NSFW
Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates. She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.” The man says, “ok, heres $50.” The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!” The man then replies, “ class my ass, i want it 5 times on the grass!”
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"