The man who would be king…
OH NO NO NO NO
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
Democratic Socialism isn’t “free stuff”. It is getting services for your tax dollars.
https://ift.tt/2H6meMP
A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a–hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
The only thing flat earthers have to fear….
Is sphere itself
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry…. we can't hire you." "But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
The Logical Redneck
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."
Why was the Genie angry?
Because someone rubbed him the wrong way.
Do you remember Limewire? You might have ruined your parents computer but it was worth it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSU9d-PfMY
Barber: Mr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to colour your hair?
Janes Bond: No thanks. Dye another day.
Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by
The first little old lady… Had a stroke The second little old lady… Had a stroke But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
AveryTech Company
This is the most advanced and comfortable gaming desk on the planet. It even has power and usb outlets in the drawers and cabinets and the entire surface supports wireless fast charging. It uses our own patented one-of-a-kind power cable with-built in backup battery to deliver completely uninterupted charging and power. This amazing desk starts at just $199.Legs and power cable sold separately at two thousand dollars each.6 months later: Unfortunately we will be ending support for this desk.
A Famous Spanish Magician takes the stage for his world famous disappearing act…
He quiets the audience by raising his hand and then begins to speak… "Uno…" "Dos…" And then he vanished without a Tres.
classic
classic
My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked. He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
No text found
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump
I said: “Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
My son and I were going through the alphabet together.
I said “son, what is A for?” “Apple!” “That’s right! What is B for?” “Banana!” That’s right! What is C for?” “Explosive!”
A friend said she did not understand cloning…
I told her that makes two of us…
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.