The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
That’s….sound advice.
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
Sphere itself.
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
So he isn’t spotted
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini
I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well
Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
The first brother is the strongest. "Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead." "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest." The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood. "What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" They said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive." "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience." The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it." He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "…Yeah?" "Well I sure fuckin' didn't."
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!” "I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck. "And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." “Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus.” says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right.” replies the barman. "The circus??” the duck asks again "…with, the big tent?” "Yeah.” the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck. "Of course.” the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right.” says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?!?!”
What do you call a small mother ?
A minimum
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let’s call them Steve and Bill.
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
this
No text found
I’m trying to be a sociopath, but I realized I’m not great in manipulating people.
I’m more of a so-sopath.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
I farted in Burger King
It was an absolute whopper
Two years ago, my doctor told me that I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
A man dies and goes to hell.
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour." "And the devil?" The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie