The Master Programmer
Just so everybody’s clear,
I'm going to put my glasses on.
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
A limbo champion walks into a bar…
he is immediately disqualified.
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
I wish I were a British fighter pilot
Those dudes are royal AF
Say “Rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
I like telling dad jokes
He laughs at them sometimes
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
![[Meme] U$MLE giving up their money maker for the next 12-18 months](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/ui6m0lx6s7151-400x393.jpg)
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…
…until the pressure got to him.
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
A man walks in to a bar, and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem." The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!" The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!" The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know…" A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer." The bartender says, "Why didn’t you try what I told you?" "I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work… ….b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2of0OUy
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I’m 72% jesus.
I'm also 100% in prision.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"