The math gods are crying
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
But I prefer sitting
I never met herbivore.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
Thanks for the Baghdad
Our helpline is open 24/7!
But I can see where you are coming from.
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Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.” “You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."
It’s a small scale operation.
He tractor down.
Never knew he was a barber
He’ll be born in March.
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It’s a total rip-off
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
You take away its broom.
Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.
then I remembered that taste is relative.
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
.. I hope