The Mic Check
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
I’m sick of people banging on my door and asking my if I have found Jesus
It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.
At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
What do you call a nose with no body?
Nobody knows
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses…
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. Heβs not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. βI think my friend is dead!β he yells. βWhat can I do?β The operator says, βCalm down. First, letβs make sure heβs dead.β Thereβs a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, βOK, now what?β
I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said…
"So, how long have you been an instructor?"
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing?
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big “everything under one roof” stores looking for a job.
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A Jewish boy was failing math.
His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended. The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room and stayed there the entire night until it was time for bed. This continued for the entire semester. On the day of the next term, the boy came home as always, slammed his report card on the table with his coat, and proceeded upstairs. When the mother reviewed his report card, she was astonished to find he had gotten an A in math for the first time ever. Delighted, she ran upstairs to congratulate her son. She found him scribbling furiously in his notebook. βZach! You got an A! Iβm so proud of you! Are the nuns really as good of teachers as Jodee said they were?β βNo.β βThen what is it? How come youβve gotten so good at math all of sudden?β βWell mom, when I walked into that school and saw that poor man nailed the to the plus sign, I knew these Catholics were serious about this whole math thing.β
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
To be honest, this is the sub in a nutshell
https://imgur.com/a/7cAWQeD
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off…
She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Got this from my grandmother today, even had the forwarded remark on Whatsapp
https://ift.tt/2y0m0Wh
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious
I don’t care that i can’t scrape cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
What do you call a snake building its own home?
A boa constructor
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. Weβre closed.