The missing bottom text was the punchline why would you add it?
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
What’s the warmest part of a room?
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”
“Orchids?” asks the florist “No, just the flowers” he replied
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?
I don't know but Alaska.
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
A pun is not completely matured…
…until it is full groan.
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night…
Seriously, how low can you go?!
How did Helen Keller know an angel was always watching over her?
It was Heaven-scent
I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
Q. Why do elephants paint their toes? (some more elephant jokes)
A. So they can hide in fruit trees? Q. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a fruit tree? A. Of course not, they're too good at it. Q. How do elephants get in to fruit trees? A. They parachute in. Q. How do you tell if an elephant is hiding in a fruit tree? A. Tickle the fruit and see if it laughs. Q. Why should you never walk through the forest on Thursdays between 2 and 4 PM? A. That's when the elephants are practicing their parachuting. Q. Why does the orangutan have a flat face? A. He ate some fruit without tickling it first. Q. Why does the beaver have a flat tail? A. Because he walked through the forest on Thursday between 2 and 4 PM. u/kickypie's hippo joke reminded me of these (https://www.reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/comments/djwf9o/why_cant_you_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
I met a cow who really didn’t want to pay
I guess you could call him a cheap-steak.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
I have a few jokes on unemployed people
But none of them work.
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
https://ift.tt/3drAqOT
a book just fell on my head…
i've only got my shelf to blame….
Going to open a new restaurant …
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton