The modern red scare
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cause you’re blocking the TV
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
When trump said we’d get tired of winning, I didn’t believe him. Boy was he right.
https://ift.tt/2xjopeD
Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Because Monday is a weekday…
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
I heard a rumor about butter. . .
But I don't want to spread it.
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
Two young lads break into a distillery…
One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?” The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
It’s called a stain because it’s stay’n.
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Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
https://ift.tt/3eiMGlz
I really like books with female protagonists.
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of people know this
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.
I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, ‘what would Jesus do?’
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.