The most boring pastime ever.
A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.
I use the metric system.
Husband and Wife
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues…"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… "I would have gotten out today!"
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the Main stream.
Why didnโt the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didnโt habanero
Last night I dreamt that I was weightless
I was like โ0mgโ
To be honest, this is the sub in a nutshell
https://imgur.com/a/7cAWQeD
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said theyโre wiped out
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside of Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Two cartoonists fought each other to death and the police are investigating
The details are pretty sketchy and the reports are saying it ended in a draw
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
Itโs in the game.
I’ve gone and confused the words ‘Yakuza’ with ‘Jacuzzi’
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.
That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
Trumpโs being driven through a backroad out to the White House…
Trumpโs being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt. The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it. Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're my driver, and apologize." A while later, the man returns, seeming incredibly satisfied. Trump asks how the family reacted, but the driver said they seemed in good spirits and even gave him some of their dinner. Back on the road, the driver hits another pig that wandered onto the road. He goes and tells the farmer's family, but when he comes back, he says the family was overjoyed and gave him a bottle of liquor. The driver hits a third pig that was on the road, but this time, Trump secretly follows him to see why the people would be so happy. When the farmer comes to the door, the driver announces, "I'm President Trumpโs driver, the pig is dead!"
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
For years I was against organ transplants
Then I had a change of heart
Doctor: I’m terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
My son and I were going through the alphabet together.
I said โson, what is A for?โ โApple!โ โThatโs right! What is B for?โ โBanana!โ Thatโs right! What is C for?โ โExplosive!โ
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, “Downtown”…
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Iโll be right back." "Thatโs better, but itโs still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."