The most corrupt president in American history. Also pictured: Richard Nixon.
It Snowed last so I made a Snow man
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes. EDIT: For those you who seem to be angered by it, I'm saying the joke Ironically, alright? Sheesh people
I must have an amazing butt
Whenever I'm done talking to people and walk away they say "What an ass"
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn’t seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.
Friend: So do you have any kids? Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys. Friend: Nice! What are their names? Woman: Steve. Friend: You mean… All of them are named Steve? Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout "STEVE!!!" and they all turn around immediately! Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them? Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name…
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
My friend said she can put her legs behind her head
I told her it sounded like a bit of a stretch
Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
Why don’t you breed an eel with an eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?
Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
A world without women….
It would be a pain in the ass
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
We de-liver
Did you hear about the satellites that got married?
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.
Apparently transparency is very important to them. (I'll let myself out…)
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re scared of Wales
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
