I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I don’t get the purpose of an air filter
It just sits there and collects dust.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry. (came up with that in the shower)
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
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Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Dad…I have an imaginary girlfriend
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?” “Thanks dad. That means a lot.” “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
How is a trans 4-year old like a vegan cat?
We all know who’s making that decision
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass…… I lied about the wheels.
Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?
Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.
The computer is connected to watt?
Tech Support: Thanks for calling our repair shop, how may I help you? Customer: I unplugged my space heater and my computer said “no signal” and went black! Tech support: Does the keyboard or mouse make it turn back on? Customer: No, it doesn’t. Tech support: Did the power strip turn off? Sometimes they trip off when something like that gets unplugged. Customer: No, it’s still on, still has the green light. Tech support: Could you follow the cords on your computer and make sure none are frayed? Customer: (rustle rustle) Okay, both cords are fine. They’re good as new. Tech support: (Thinking, both cords? There should be more than 2 on a desktop) Could you tell me where the cords go? Customer: One goes to the wall, and the other one goes to the space heater. Tech support: The cord on your computer goes to the space heater? Customer: Yes. Tech support: (facepalm) Try plugging the “space heater” back in. Customer: Oh! Now the computer is working again.
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
What do you call hiking US college students?
The walking debt.
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "…this goes even higher than I thought…"
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It’s called making the little things count.
Whenever I’m sad my friend always says “cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water”
I know he means well… Edit: WOAH! my first silver. Thank you anonymous stranger!
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
… because Dawn is tough on Greece.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.
Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken came in a different box
Having sex is like playing bridge
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
I hope someone woke up Green Day
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What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.