The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.
A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks."
The end
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.
Months of training wasted.
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied…..
Thanks for the Baghdad
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling “Ok Boomer!”
It was a millennial falcon.
Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones
Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”
Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
My ex-girlfriend used to beat me with stringed instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.
I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage.
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
I just heard some bad news about Subway’s 6 inch sub.
They aren’t going to make them any longer.
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women
God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m…" Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!" God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess you are stuck with the multiple orgasms then."
What makes cars look faster?
No text found
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana
.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
My 67 y/o quiet and shy dad wanted me to share his masterpiece across North America
https://ift.tt/39n5Cfp
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re scared of Wales
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic
My infant son crapped his pants while I was voting today.
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
There was nothing left but de Brie
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
You know, one would have been enough.