The names of these specials
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.
Now they just call me Dav.
What’s my blod type?
Typo
I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.
The parrot was cool, though. Originally an Anthony Jeselnik joke
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
So, I’m reading this book written in Braille…
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
Boomer uncle posts this on Facebook nice break from his usual Michelle is a man posts
https://ift.tt/2Eou8zy
My Science Teacher don’t know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
![[OC] riddled with bugs](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/sjs3htmk7ob41-400x446.jpg)
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
What’s big, gray, and makes you jump?
The elephant of surprise.
I thought it was a booger
But it snot.
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
My wife just yelled at me, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said”
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.
LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”
“If your name is Michael, please stand up” Then a couple dudes stand up And he goes “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi
I recently started a band called 999 megabytes.
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
Imagine if Americans decided to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be a mass confusion.
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
P. It's like R, but missing a leg.
Dildo!
A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" Salesman answers, "$35." Blonde: "How much for the black one?" Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" Salesman: "$35." Black Woman: "How much for the white one?" Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." Black Woman: "Hmmm… I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…" She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." Blonde: "Hmmmmm…, how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo… it'll cost you $165." Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
why do ducks wear pants?
so you don't see their butt-quack!
Most Puns Make Me Numb
But Maths Jokes Make Me Number
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay…
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Add a nipple to it.
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?”
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
