The neighbour’s dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Keep the earth clean
It’s not Uranus
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility
If only they could see me now!
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name? Me: “Username-valid ” Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
Guy: I’m hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
All the indoor fins.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
This is Greta Thunberg’s favorite subreddit.
She's very appreciative of our commitment to recycling jokes.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
Anyway, now that she left me I can enjoy playing on my non-Euclidian pool table.
https://ift.tt/2pZnXOG
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
What’s the difference between Constipation and Diarrhea?
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working, goodbye”
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
Pretty woman sneezes…
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
