The new baby Yoda
You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Man: “Doctor, I think I have ADHD: I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”
Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works…" Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
If a king farts…
Is it a noble gas?
![days since last timezone issue [fixed]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/uq0eqz7yvf141-400x400.jpg)
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent…
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent… And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out… I told her…"give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and says, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying.” Mom proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!! So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times… So I phoned her back and said, "yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash. A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!" I replied: " so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!
it writes other words too but that's my favorite
2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision
I can’t wait to see them all
What do you call a group of introverts?
A paradox.
The first vacuum ever created probably sucked.
No text found
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
Therapists only care about one thing
And it’s fu*king discussing
An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show
The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box. He then says”Can you see me now?” And they answer: “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja”
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
A book fell on my head
I've only got myshelf to blame….