The new leeked airpods

The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed…. well, everyone except one guy.
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
Then it clicked
An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel…
The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?” The kid says, “I wanna get laid!” The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.” “But I wanna get laid.” The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.” Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, “Kid! You’re back!” The kid says, “You said wait ten years, so I did.” Did you practice on the tree like I told you?” “Yes ma’am, I did!” The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house. As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute. The lady screams, “What are you doing kid?” “Checking for squirrels.”
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
The Bard’s barber often asked him if he preferred a clipper cut.
And every time, William spake "shears."
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants
FeeFiphobia
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1
There were three guys on a plane
The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane. The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane. The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of the plane. The guys land, and they’re walking around town. They see a girl crying and ask her why shes crying “An apple came down and killed my cat” she said They walk some more and see a boy crying He said “a lemon came down and killed my dog” They then came across a kid laughing really hard. He said “I farted and the guy behind me exploded”
I was having anal sex..
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"