The new “norm”
So, no nut November has been over for about a week…
About how long should it take for them to grow back?
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, “Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said
"Have to love Easter, baby…."
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
If you have a threesome
You have the recommended six feet between you.
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
I wanted someone to buy me Nike’s for Christmas
But then I decided, “Eh, I’ll just do it.”
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "…..but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "…Scr*w him ………give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "….But the breakfast was my idea."
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
https://ift.tt/36JRQDy
Never marry a tennis player…
Love means nothing to them!
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
What video game system does Homer Simpson play?
Ninten-doh!
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat
2 is a prime number against all odds.
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I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back …
… he made a bolt for the door.
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?