What do you call a dog floating in water?
A good buoy
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
Want to know where I store all of my jokes?
In a dadabase….
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the *lawyer was banging his head against the wall.* He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '
My wife left me when I became a contortionist.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating an avocado
Me: who’s this guy? Grandpa: he’s my hip replacement
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am
I'm really not a mourning person.
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
Why is gum similar to guns?
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
I got an email that said “You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
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A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
I left work and a cop followed me home for my entire 50 minute commute then ticketed me in my own driveway.
He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket. I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong. He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.
My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said