The next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to have more violence and nudity
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
The joke is that this SHOULD be a fake tweet but…it’s real… how .. the …is this real
https://ift.tt/2UtRTPh
EA walks into a bar.
Unlock the punchline for $9.99.
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, ‘I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’ The rancher replies, ‘Okay, but don’t go into the field over there.’
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs….. 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
https://ift.tt/38Crcgl
META
https://ift.tt/2oS0zTc
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
Dad: so at the ball drop we all have to put our left leg in the air
Me: why Dad: so we can start the new year on the right foot! Me: why are you the way that you are
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
I suffer from really bad migraines.
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
I’m running out of drugs and drug $$ not even sure if I’m doing this right…..
https://ift.tt/2Z0YCDy
eBay is so useless..
I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches…
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
What color is the wind??
Blew!
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social
but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.