The next security trend 🤩
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
No text found
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
Why can’t a newborn be fooled?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic
My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry…
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
A married Irishman went into the confessional…
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!” My mother told this joke… I dont know if its original
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
A mobile phone is like a penis.
Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table.
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen. “Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop