The ocean is a big place
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck. Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!
We don’t hate female main characters, we hate bad writing
We don’t hate female main characters, we hate bad writing
Did you hear about the photographer who went to jail,
I heard that he was framed.
My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”
I’m so pissed off I didn’t think of that quote first.
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
I was told I should be a stand up comedian
But I prefer sitting
Dad! Why do my friends in Europe call me Kilometers?
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
I renamed my IPod to Titanic.
It’s syncing.
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day
That’s a ton of money!
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
I saw an advert that read “Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full”
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.
'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Trump," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
what did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
“robin, get in the batmobile”
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit. The display has a sign in front saying, “2982 BC.”
One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?” His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”