The ol’ Southern snowflake security blanket
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
I hope you’re happy now.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
Does money even matter?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Wanna go ride bikes?
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
Remains to be seen
The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was. The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise. The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”
Now he's just Dave
The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.” “That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says “Go fuck yourself, General.” “See! Now that takes some real balls!”
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
…probably explains why her marriage collapsed
We opened for The Doors
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
They run a shady buisness
I guess I'm a gluten for punishment
Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.
I asked who has papers and they all took off running
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.