The Old Man and the C
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
What does “kayak” sound like upside down?
"Blblblblblvllgllgl"
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity.
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
Why did the semen cross the road?
I put the wrong socks on this morning
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me With Her Deaf Best Friend…
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
My mother handed me $20
"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party." That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
Congratulations, r/Jokes! You are now featured as the most eco friendly subreddit of 2019!
Why? Because everything here is recycled. To everyone on r/Jokes, thank you so much for doing your part in saving the environment!
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
I won $3 Milllion on the lottery
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
Our bedtime conversation
Me: (enormous, burly fart) Her: My god, that sounds like an animal! Me: Yeah. It was a butt ox.
You are under arrest
Police: You are under arrest! Me: Why? Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle. Me: Did you say six? Police: that is correct, six! Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
My neighbor stole my dictionary
I have no words
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, 'that makes two of us'.
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
My girlfriend wants me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Boy, do I have some news for her.
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate